Trauma and abuse often take control from us but healing and recovery let us regain control. Healing builds our inner strength.
Healing
Following an assault, your mind and body can respond immediately in an attempt to shield itself. This response is commonly known as rape trauma syndrome and is a type of post-traumatic stress disorder. It is estimated that over 90% of survivors will experience symptoms of PTSD two weeks following the trauma.
There are three stages or phases you can work to recognise:
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Acute or immediate phase: This phase happens when you’re experiencing trauma and shortly after as you’re trying to understand what’s happening. This stage can feel like you’re in a mental and physical fog. Anxiety, mood swings and confusion are common symptoms. It is easy to feel overcome with emotion, struggling to look to the future or even gather the strength to complete their daily routine.
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The underground phase: This phase occurs when you try to move on from your trauma to get back to your life. Almost as though you’re trying to force yourself to move on by blocking out the memory, refuse to acknowledge it or just downplay its severity. This phase can lay stagnant and last for months or even years.
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Reorganization or resolution phase: This phase happens when you recognize your trauma and take steps to adapt. The very beginning of this stage is making the choice to see yourself as a survivor rather than a victim. This can be a very overwhelming stage, possibly facing your trauma and confronting your triggers. But while stressful and challenging, you will learn to manage this trauma and do more than simply cope.
It is important to note that your progress may not be linear through each phase — you can even repeat phases. Remember, there isn’t a certain way you should feel or react to trauma, and one step backward does not invalidate all your steps forward.
How events might affect your body and mind
Following such an event, it is likely that your relationship with your body and how you view yourself will have changed. It also may have a significant impact on your mind, finding yourself swinging between feeling overwhelmed or hypersensitive and then shut down and numb. Some of these reactions may appear straight away or take weeks or even months to emerge.
The experience and impacts of sexual violence are different for everyone. Emotions are not behaviours. Even emotions you think are negative are perfectly normal and you have a right to explore them. Dissociation is a survival mechanism. The mind detaches from the body to protect you.
There is no right or wrong way to feel and you certainly should not punish yourself further. However, it is important to recognise these as emotional reactions to the trauma that you have experienced, and that they are not a reflection of who you are as a person.
Common feelings and reactions include:
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Feelings of powerlessness and loss of control: ‘I feel so helpless.’ ‘Will I ever be in control again?’
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Emotional numbness: ‘Why am I so calm?’ ‘Why can’t I cry?’
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Depression: ‘How am I going to get through this?’ ‘I’m so tired.’ ‘I feel so hopeless.’
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Powerlessness: ‘Will I ever feel in control again?’
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Disorientation: ‘I don’t even know what day it is, or what I’m supposed to be doing.’
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Flashbacks: ‘The memories keep coming back to me.’ ‘I keep feeling like it’s happening again.’
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Fear: ‘I’m scared of everything.’ ‘I’m afraid to go out.’ ‘I’m afraid to be alone.’ ‘I can’t trust others.’
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Anxiety: ‘I’m having panic attacks.’ ‘I can’t breathe.’ ‘It’s so hard to settle my body.’
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Shame and embarrassment: ‘I can’t tell my family or friends.’ ‘I feel like there’s something wrong with me.’
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Guilt or self-blame: ‘I did something to make this happen.’ ‘If only I hadn’t…’
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Anger: ‘How dare they do this to me?’ ‘I want revenge!’
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Physical stress: ‘My stomach (or head or back) aches all the time.’ ‘I feel jittery.’ ‘I can’t get to sleep.’
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Change in appetite: ‘I’m binge eating all the time.’ ‘I just don’t feel like eating anything.’
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Avoiding locations: ‘I don’t want think I can come to the event today, that place brings back too many memories.’
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Spending time alone: ‘I don’t want to see anyone today.’ ‘They probably don’t want to hear from me.’
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Losing trust in people and organisations: ‘They won’t understand.’ ‘They won’t help me.’ ‘People are just going to treat me badly.’
Experiences of violence can also have a significant impact on our mind and how we view not only ourselves, but the world around us. This can impact both your mental health and start to influence daily interactions.
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Negative self-image, distrust of self and others, self-blame, feelings of guilt and shame, low self-esteem, continuous self-doubt and self-monitoring
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Isolation. loneliness. sense of helplessness and hopelessness, grief and loss
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Rigid beliefs, perfectionism, risk-taking, feeling chaotic and out of control, unhelpful thinking patterns.
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Confusion and distress in relation to gender and sexual identity. A feeling of a need to prove their masculinity/femininity and sexuality.
The physical and health impacts of abuse are becoming better understood. Sexual abuse stresses our bodies in ways that can compromise our immune systems and overall wellbeing, including producing:
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Heart, cardiovascular stress. Gastro-intestinal difficulties. Chronic physical pain
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Distorted body image, risk of anorexia, body dysmorphia, eating issues.
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Sleep difficulties, nightmares, insomnia, sleep apnoea
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Reduced attendance at health and dental check-ups, resulting in difficulties becoming compounded.
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Sexual & reproductive health difficulties – including sexual response cycle (desire, arousal, orgasm, resolution) or pain associated with sexual intercourse, erectile dysfunction. STIs, HIV.
Triggers
A ‘trigger’ is something that causes a memory or flashback that takes you back to the traumatic event. These are a very personal experience and express themselves in various ways – trauma triggers are stored in the area of the brain that is responsible for keeping us safe and remembering danger. These memories can be conscious or unconscious, and so survivors often don’t know what might set that internal alarm off, it is sometimes that has no apparent relation to your memory of the event.
Some examples of triggers include:
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Tone of someone's voice
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A facial expression or gesture
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Images or discussions on television, phone, radio or computer
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Visiting certain places
Daily Tools and Techniques
Reconnecting with your body and feelings. This can be very difficult and frightening, as it is easy to fall into blaming or resenting your body or actions for ‘causing’ the event. But it is a very important step to begin to reconnect and learn to love yourself again. In many ways, assault makes your body your enemy. Feelings, while powerful, are not reality.
Identifying triggers is a valuable first step in your healing journey, recognising these reactions as your body and mind working very hard to protect yourself. It can be very difficult to control the immediate response to a trigger, but there are many small-scale techniques and tools that can help you return to yourself and work through the experience.
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Try talking to someone
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Call a support person or friend and allow them to help you. It is not weak to ask for help; you would do the same for others.
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Breathe
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Bring your attention to your breath: breathe in for 10 seconds, then out for 10, and then reduce to 9, 8, 7 and so on. This helps to redirect your focus and calms you down.
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Take a moment
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Physically leave the situation, you are not running away. You don't need to ignore your feelings, you just don't need to act on them right now
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Use a soothing response
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Any small act that helps regulate your inner emotions, such as a gentle tapping on your leg, to return to your physical self.
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Play some music
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Music can be very calming. It is also an effective way of controlling one aspect of your environment and one of your senses.
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Speak your truth
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If you are in a conversation, you have full control of your contributions. If speaking about your experiences makes you feel empowered, you are entitled to speak your truth. If you feel uncomfortable you also have the power to excuse yourself from the conversation
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Drink water
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The body releases chemicals when we are anxious. Drinking water can help to release toxins and reduce stress.
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Recognise your strength and resilience
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Your mind is only looking to protect you; regardless of how long it goes on or how you reacted. Acknowledging how your body helped you cope and protect yourself is an important part of the healing process. When you're ready, consider working with professionals to help you deal with your trauma and manage your responses.
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Self-care following trauma is valuable as a tool to regain control over your own body. You can engage in both physical and emotional self-care. Self-care can be very challenging for some people who have learnt to prioritise other people's wellbeing over their own. You may feel initial guilt, but these feelings will reduce. It is important to identify what practises work for you.
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Self-compassion
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It can be as small as using creams and lotions, speaking kindly to yourself, wearing clothing or accessories which make you feel good about yourself
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Burning candles/aromatherapy
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Get moving
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Not only does exercise release endorphins, it is also a valuable form of self-service:
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Yoga or stretching
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Walking or running
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Social sport
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Gardening
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Boxing
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Healthy Eating
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Fuelling your body and mind
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Eating regular meals
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Cooking
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Enjoying nutritious foods
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Indulging in treats
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Sleep and Rest
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Give your body a chance to rest and your mind the chance to rest.
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Having a good sleep routine
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Going to bed early
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Taking time out rest
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Mindfulness and Meditation
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Take time to ground yourself in the present
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Focus on your breath
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Listen to guided meditation
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Engage in a daily task mindfully. e. g- brushing your teeth or walking the dogs.
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Trauma and abuse often take control from us but healing and recovery let us regain control. Healing builds our inner strength.
Boundaries
Boundaries are a valuable tool to arm yourself with in navigating personal and professional relationships following an experience of sexual violence. Because the event itself is such a violation of personal boundaries, it can significantly impact the survivor’s perception of when or how to set boundaries – or even convince themselves that boundaries are impossible. Survivors may be unfamiliar with setting boundaries in general; not feeling as though they have the right to create and reinforce them. It is okay to need support developing and practicing boundaries.
Tips for setting healthy boundaries
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When you find yourself with a need to set a boundary, do it clearly, calmly, respectfully, and in as few words as possible.
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Do not feel the need to justify or apologise for the boundary that you are setting – if it upsets them, remember that is their problem and you are not responsible for their reactions.
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Some people, especially those accustomed to a position of power, controlling or manipulating others, might test you but you have the power to remain firm.
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Your behaviour must match the boundaries you are setting.
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Identifying when to set a boundary
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If you are beginning to feel anger or resentment, or find yourself complaining, you most likely need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself and determine what you need to feel safe, then communicate assertively.
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Setting boundaries is a form of self-care. Don't let anxiety, fear or guilt keep you from taking care of yourself.
Professional Help
Taking control of your life again through small daily tasks is a significant step in the path to recovery. However, this is not a journey that you have to take on your own.
Professional help is widely available and strongly recommended. There are many avenues to look at, it can be completely anonymous and there are many options to accommodate long distance, remote areas, and unpredictable work schedules.
Links to support services can be found here.
