Family and Friends
Telling a loved one of an experience of sexual violence can be one of the hardest things for a survivor to do
If your friend or family has experienced some form of sexual violence and has chosen to confide in you, they are placing a lot of trust in you. The responses and attitudes of yourself and those closest to the survivor have the potential to either prolong the crisis or assist in the healing journey.
It can also be very difficult for you as the confidante, coping with the sexual assault of someone close to you. You may experience a range of emotions such as shock, anger, grief, guilt or helplessness. The desire for revenge or simply feelings of anger towards the perpetrator are completely normal; however, they are not helpful for your loved one to hear or have you act on. Do try to be aware of your feelings and how they may impact those you care about.
Some things to avoid:
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Suggesting what the survivor could have done differently
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Pressuring them to disclose more information than they are comfortable with sharing
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Talking about your own experience of violence – unless requested
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Suggesting the survivor is in any way to blame for what happened
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Ignoring, minimising or disbelieving their experience
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Making them feel guilty for telling or not telling you
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“Why are you bringing this up now?”
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“Why didn’t you say something sooner?”
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Things you may do to protect the survivor
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While it can be gratifying for the survivor for you to be angry on their behalf, it is important that you don’t over-protect and take away their control over the situation.
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They need to be able to make their own decisions. It is their needs that need to be met, allow them to ask for help as they need it.
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Please understand that sexual violence is not about the sex – it is a criminal offence in which sex was used to overpower and control the survivor.
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It is helpful to ask them what is affecting them the most
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Be natural and let them know that you are willing to listen whenever they are ready to talk, for as much or as little as they are willing to share
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Many survivors struggle to talk to those closest to them due to the shame or guilt of the event, please respect this.
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Sexual assault is always the responsibility of the offender.
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Never blame the survivor for the criminal act committed against them
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They made they best decisions they could at the time, regardless of whether they fought or cooperated
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Sexual assault is about taking power away from the victim.
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Survivors often feel powerless afterwards and supporting them in making their decisions about their recovery could be the valuable role you can play during this time
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It is therefore important that you give the survivor time and space to make their own choices, including what they are willing to share with both you and others.
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How you can support your loved one
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Listen
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Listening is an act of compassion
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Having someone to confide in lessens the weight of isolation and self-blame
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Phrases such as “Share as much as you feel comfortable with”
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Validate
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Show that you believe them and take their experience seriously
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Communicate that they have done the right thing by telling you
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What happened wasn’t their fault
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They deserve to be safe
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You want to support them
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Useful phrases include:
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“It makes sense that you would feel like that”
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“I’m really glad that you told me about this”
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“What happened wasn’t your fault”
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“No one has the right to hurt you”
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Give them power and control
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Survivors often have their sense of power and control taken from them
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Create opportunities for them to regain a sense of control over their decisions about that happens next
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Don’t force them to report or contact specialist services
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Respect their choices over who they wish to tell and don’t share their story with anyone unless the survivor has given their express consent
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Support
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Let them know you’re there to support them and make yourself available if you can.
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It can make a big difference just knowing they have someone there to support them along the way
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Don’t make every conversation and experience about their experience of sexual violence. Do activities that make them feel valued and cared for such as going for a walk or having a meal together
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Care for yourself
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Someone’s story of sexual violence can have an impact on you as well, especially if it’s someone you care about
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You may find that you’re too emotional yourself or simply not in a position to listen with the appropriate amount of care and compassion
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These are entirely valid responses to hearing about trauma and it’s important to care for yourself to be in a position to provide strong support
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It can be very confronting for you to realise the act of violence committed against someone you love or care for and can take a toll on your own mental health. Do try and get the support you need to be emotionally stable and available for them when they need you. When you’re struggling internally, you may desire to distance yourself from it and find yourself avoiding the subject. This is not helpful to the survivor – especially when they too want to forget the assault ever happened and wish to push it aside without fully healing from the experience – and you find yourself faced with two options
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Seek support of your own so that you may be fully there for them during this time
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Or clearly communicate that this is not something you’re equipped to handle, but guide them to another support system
If your partner has been affected
This can be very confronting, and a lot of those emotions such as anger and grief may feel especially strong, but you hold a lot of power of their recovery from this event.
Showing affection can still be very important as a way of showing that you care and gently pushing back their intrusive thoughts of self-blame and self-hatred. However, it will be best to show affection through non-sexual forms of praise and touch if their comfortable with that. Always wait for you partner to indicate when they are comfortable with more. This is a non-negotiable boundary and it's imperative that you respect and support your partner’s healing.
It’s very important to give your partner the space and time to regain a sense of control during sex. They may wish to avoid sex altogether, or place strict boundaries on what they wish to do with you sexually. Allow them to set the pace and be willing to follow their lead.
